Diary of An Evil Overlord
by DebbieGirl1267
Summary: Debbie is just another guy who's trying to take over the world. But instead of being a magnificent bastard  cough, Ganondorf, cough , he's a bumbling anti-social freak with a penchant for cross-dressing and talking to himself.
1. Week 1  Sucked

**Being an Evil Overlord is TOUGH, you know?**

June 24th: I got out of bed half an hour ago. I was hungry so I ate breakfast (a sandwich with bacon from hellfire pigs). I can't eat so much if I'm planning to keep my ninja frame (with 3% body fat!), but I must confess that I have a soft spot for hell-fire baconwiches.

I killed some minions yesterday, and sent the rest of them to the Forest Temple. A scorpion's gotta eat, right? They'll also provide a distraction if a random hero were to wander in, looking for his girlfriend.

I must practise my sword moves tomorrow.

PS. I can't believe my aunt sent me this diary. She said I needed 'an outlet for my emotions'. Hah! She was always ridiculously mushy. I mean, last Christmas, she gave me a gloopy kiss and completely screwed up my makeup.

June 25th: Ahem.

When the moon rose above its earthly prison, I swung my lithe body out of my silken bed. I loped down the lavender-coloured corridor. I greeted my second in command with a single elegant slash of my weapon, which sent his fleshy head rolling gently to my slightly-darker-than-lavender throne.

I carefully sat onto my throne and summoned, in a voice of honey, a –

Oh, screw this. This is a total waste of time.

June 26th:

June 27th:

June 28th:

June 29th: You know, if one were not planning to write an entry, one would think that one would not write down the date.

I'm going to try this again. Just ignore the previous entries.

My name is Ghirahim. I prefer to be indulged with my full name: Lord Ghirahim. But I'm not fussy.

What I AM fussy about is being called by my childish nickname Debbie. Call me that, you infantile book, and I will PERSONALLY RIP OUT YOUR HEART.

WHO THE HELL NAMES THEIR CHILD DEBBIE? WHEN THEY ARE MALE? OBVIOUSLY MALE? I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL IS THEIR PROBLEM? 

CALM! I must calm down! I need to calm down! Calm…calm…calm…calm…c…a…l…m…

There, that's better. If I don't maintain my calm, how am I meant to seduce handsome young men in green hats?

Yes. I must be calm. Be calm, and think about men in green hats. Handsome men in green hats… green hats… I wonder if he has a matching tunic…. Or blonde hair… or blue eyes… I wonder what his name is…. I wonder if he will give me a nickname… I wonder if he will call me … DEBBIE! 

WHAT IF HE CALLS ME DEBBIE? I'LL HAVE TO KILL HIM!

!

June 30th: Well, that sucked.


	2. Week 2 Wasn't Much Better

**Diary of an Evil Overlord Chapter 2**

July 1st: I can't see properly today, so forgive my sloppy writing.

You see, I have employed a talking mirror to assist me in my daily duties. Apparently though, the SVU (Sentient Vanities Union) was holding a strike. So my mirror believed it could do anything it damn wanted, and be protected by the concepts of 'democracy' and 'free speech'.

But it shut up pretty bloodyquickly as it was hanging over a giant bottomless pit in the middle of my palace (a nice touch, I think. _300 _stole the idea from me)!

But the reason I can't see is that after my mirror got what it deserved, the _other_ sla-_employees _decided to quit work today. Including my makeup-applying kit.

I can't live when my freckles are on show! I can't do anything! So I have dipped my entire head in foundation. I can't see and I can't eat, but at least nobody can see my freckles.

July 3rd: My employees are still in hiding. Useless buffoons.

I have taken to applying purple paint to my skin, and I must say I like the effect. It makes me feel … distinguished.

July 4th: I received a letter from my aunt today. It reads the following:

_Debbie Darling!_

_How are you? Why have you never responded to my letters? _(Because you creep me out) _It makes your uncle and me very sad, you know. _(Good.) _To be honest, we haven't heard from you since you moved out after your parents died. It's very lucky for you that we survived though._ (Matter of opinion)_ Who else would have provided you with _(too much)_ loving guidance?_

_Do you have a girlfriend yet, honey? _(Holy crap, no!)_ If so, are there any plans for little Debbie-lets to be running around? _(Will you continue to ask me that every time you send a letter?) _Oh, I must come and visit you sometime. And I'll bring your favourite blanket and picture book, and it'll just be like old times… _etcetera, etcetera

I need my employees back. I cannot face this.

July 5th: No luck with finding employees. My old domestics have apparently spread rumours about me, such as that I sleep with a pink teddy bear. That is an absolute LIE – Bobo is blue!

To make matters worse, I have still not found a replacement for my second-in-command. Every other Bokoblin I know is a complete moron. The other one wasn't much better, so I guess I COULD find a replacement somewhere.

My trusty weapon, Mr Twinkles the pool noodle, has snapped in half. The only place I can get another is Lake Floria. And those idiotic sea horsey things have an issue with my 'tyranny'. I fear that they may convince others to rise up against me now that I have no weapon.

I must get another, and quickly.

The idea of a sword is popular amongst the minions. I have commissioned the blacksmith to make one for me. Threatening to dangle him over my 300-esque giant pit, the costs have been drastically reduced (it's free!) and I get the added bonus of my replacement Mr Twinkles appearing instantly in my hand whenever it's ready.

July 8th: I have scratched out a tentative reply to my aunt's letter. There's a strange sticky-thing on the back of it. I am very confused.

I have found an innovative solution to all my employment troubles! Zombie Bokoblins! I shall post them in every dungeon! And nobody shall be able to get past them! My genius rivals that of Wile. E. Coyote!

I knew I could do it.

There is just one problem though. None of my minions know how to stick a somewhat rotten head back onto a body. Maybe Superglue?

July 10th: Holy crap, my zombie leader is creeping me out.

…He's nibbling Bobo …


End file.
